Nice to Meet You Mr. Generic

by Joaqui

His hands were pinkish. They seemed huge and bloated as I shook them. I’ve had shaken many hands in my entire 7 years as a human, and this was no different. Except his hands were pinkish, bloated and large. I’ve long since been versed on the art of the “Meet and Greet”: Wait to be introduced, smile, extend your hand, shake, say your name, smile and nod, then step back. It was simple, routine, and about as impressionable an experience as watching “No Reservations” on the big screen. So I look past the pink-blotched hand and smile at the equally pinkish bearded man. I remember thinking to myself “He must be feeling hot because he’s not from around here.” The tall foreign bearded man with heat-induced pink skin gives his greeting, and at that I perform my graceful dismount. At this point you must step back and let the “grownups” do the talking so you’ll never have to shake hands and vomit cordial boredom for the rest your life, until the next time. As expected the grownups begin to talk about grownup things like business and his beard and how they all enjoy nodding at one another while they speak. I of course in my wizened old age of seven see this as a welcome distraction to disappear into the shadows and to remount my assault on castle gray skull back in my room. Goodbye pink blotchy-skinned bearded man I’ll never remember.

Laughing and laughter escape a devious child’s lungs. Sometimes children do that. Shortly after the whole handshakefest, my brother makes me laugh. I laugh so hard because of what he said. Poor pink bearded guy. He looks nothing like what my brother called him. And just because he’s white and has a beard too. I find that appropriation funny. That if you’re white and have a beard you’re Chuck Norris! I laugh some more until my mother comes a long and says something that shuts a young child up. They tend to do that sometimes, be correct and tell the truth and all that rubbish. So when she asked me if I enjoyed meeting Mr. Norris, I realized my brother wasn’t actually joking